


consume

by Kresniks



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Kissing, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, somewhat explicit description of sexual abuse, warnings for csa and blood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-31
Updated: 2019-10-31
Packaged: 2021-01-15 02:09:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21245765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kresniks/pseuds/Kresniks
Summary: Ciel knew little of what it meant to be held other than as a mere handle for venomous adults as they indulged themselves. He wanted to be held, even though he knew he would not be able to stand it.





	consume

Disgustingly warm hands crawl up his inner thighs, and he shivers as his entire body squirms with the sensation of sickeningly clean fingertips dirtying his every single pore. 

_ Please, don’t. _

He would have said it - would have begged with those lips he had sworn to reserve only for words of pride, if it weren’t for the fact that he was terribly aware of the fact that if he spoke, the gap between his lips would most likely be violated with the desires of these human monsters. It was what they always did. They took advantage of his very essence of being; took his very mere existence and moulded it into a toy for acts that he had barely even begun to consider. Now there was little more than teardrops and bloodstains to distract him from considering them. They always, _ always… _ Ciel had resigned himself a while ago that this place full of hands and spit and blood may become his forever. How long ago, he didn’t know; he had stopped trying to account for the hours that ticked by rather promptly. It was easier that way. 

It may have been years. He would have believed it, if it weren’t for the nauseating voices of the hands which told him _how beautiful, how young!_ _How wonderful the sensation of such a tiny body was when it tightened so well!_

Perhaps that was the only thing he could be grateful for. He at least knew he was still the age of a child. If he weren’t, he doubted he would be still be told he was quite so desirable. If they truly had an appreciation for beauty, then that appreciation seemed to take root only in defiling it until it became little more than a depiction of the original.

Ciel purses his lips together in an attempt to blanket the thoughts of despair which gripped at his temples. 

He doesn’t beg. He doesn’t resist. He simply stares up at the grandiose ceiling, letting his body be maneuvered at will, his head rocking back and forth as he studies the intricate flowers carved into the stone. It was laughable. Ciel could see them as nothing other than foul warts. They may as well have been, for what the members of this place perpetrated to what they deemed beauty. 

“You are so exceptionally obedient! I shall have to ask for you again next time. A most perfect boy-whore,” a voice hushes into his ears. How humorous, that they would call him a whore when he had never received a single farthing for such torture. 

He comes to awareness a little, when the hands turn to lips, and wet tongues ply into his firmly-set mouth. He at least wishes they wouldn’t kiss him. They often wouldn’t; it wasn’t usually what they were paying out for. They could have his behind, his underdeveloped genitals, the blood that spilled from his veins, but he did not want to give up kisses. He remembers that it was with those same lips that he used to sing nursery rhymes with his brother, give a peck on the cheek to his mother, suck on sugar-coated strawberries in the forest in summertime.

He keeps his lips pursed as contaminated saliva drips down his chin.

His back hurts. The table is hard and cold beneath his spine, and the body rocking into him was grating each segment which protruded from his malnourished form. He shouldn’t have thought of it, shouldn’t have remembered that pain even mattered anymore in this eternal hell. Because that made it so much worse when- when they-

The tip of a well-crafted knife digs into the scabbed over wounds at the margin of his right hip. It was at this point where he had often broken his self-imposed oath of speechlessness. A cry rises high in his throat, yet his sealed lips keep the sound from flooding into the open air. They keep him from truly asserting himself in this reality. If he did not speak, what was there to prove that a consciousness genuinely resided within that body?

The point digs deeper, and deep red stains the dazzling reflection on the silver of the blade, trickling in a sweet line until it drips over a tremendous magenta stone embedded into the golden hilt of the dagger. Ciel was overcome with regret that he had dared to turn his eyes to the thing.

It hurts.

Everywhere. Always. He would _ never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever _-

  


* * *

“Young master, please,” a gentle, but urging touch awoke him from his night terror. For a moment, the exact nature of his current reality didn’t quite sit right in his sleep-ridden mindset, and Ciel’s immediate instinct commanded him to flee while he felt no restraints clinging at his slight wrists or ankles. Fear sank into his wide eyes, and he scrambled to escape the violence which might find him next.

“_ Don’t touch me! _” A rare tone of what could have been described as an almost-roar raged in Ciel’s voice. To his relief, the pressure of the hand subsided immediately.

“Do excuse me, my Lord. You were crying out in your sleep, so I felt it necessary to confirm your safety,” Sebastian continued, this time at a safe distance.

As awareness gradually seeped back into his state of mind, Ciel became hyperconscious of the laboured breaths gasping in his throat, and his soaken pillow next to him. Yet somehow, he still couldn’t think straight. He had kept himself in relative safety for so long now that he had lost touch with the hideous feelings that used to plague his heart every waking second. He suddenly felt as if he might vomit at any instant; how could he have forgotten this sensation? He was shaking violently despite sweating through a suffocating heat, and he could barely even take a breath without feeling as if his oesophagus might collapse in on itself at any moment. 

A strange comfort, however, came from the fact that he was crying. Back in that place, he had cried so much at first, that crying became impossible feat once he had accepted the abuse as an endless existence. The catharsis of tears rolling down his cheeks reminded him that he was far removed from those human monsters, and was very welcoming of a genuine monster who could devour his innermost self at will. He much preferred real monsters to those who had the audacity to assert themselves as “human”.

“Sebastian,” the name rattled in his throat.

“Yes, my Lord?”

“Must you be so impertinent? At least knock. I am not proud to show myself to anybody in this state,” he grasped the bedsheets in his unmarked hands until his knuckles turned a deathly white.

“I do apologise,” Sebastian faced him with a bow. “I was merely concerned that there may have been an intruder, and concluded that time was of the essence, if so.”

“Liar.”

They both knew that Sebastian was aware of the trauma Ciel had suffered, and still dealt with; this dream was not the first of its kind, nor was it particularly rare. Sebastian gave no response to the accusation.

“Is there anything in particular you would like to request for this morning’s breakfast?” he asked, and Ciel could see that in his burning gaze, he was saying more than what he really enquired.

“No, that won’t be necessary. I have no appetite,” Ciel replied, his churning stomach bubbling at the core of his anxious response. Sebastian’s reddened eyes narrowed in a manner that Ciel could not quite put a word to; he would have labelled it as concern, if he had not known any better. Still, the expression was strange, and not often had Ciel seen it grace Sebastian’s foolishly handsome features. He wished he would stop it. In this state of security by contract with a demon, it was his untoward attraction to Sebastian which scared him more than anything.

“Then if I may, I should dress you. You have rather a busy schedule today.”

“_ No _,” the word formed automatically, before he had even had time to consider things properly. He swallowed, buying time to gather his thoughts. “I said, you must not touch me. I will dress myself.”

Sebastian lowered his head, glossy black hair falling over his sharp eyes.

“Very well. I will prepare your tea in the dining room. Please come down once you are ready,” 

Sebastian excused himself as he approached the bedroom door, his footsteps unnaturally silent. For some reason, the sight of his back at the bedroom door injected a sudden panic into Ciel’s heart, and he found himself calling out in an irrational chain of desires.

“Sebastian, wait.”

He wanted to be held. He was ashamed of the thought - Elizabeth often held him, however that was a rib-crushing sort of embrace, which alarmed him no matter whether he longed for human touch or not. Other than that, he knew little of what it meant to be held other than as a mere handle for venomous adults as they indulged themselves. He wanted to be held, even though he knew he wouldn’t be able to stand it.

“I have something to ask of you.”

Sebastian turned back immediately.

“Of course.”

His body was dirty. Every single layer of his skin was contaminated in pure filth, emitting a putrid smell which Ciel knew may have endured only in his mind, and yet there it was. However, some places were not quite so unclean as others.

“Won’t you kiss me?”

Not once had Ciel ever received a gentle, loving kiss. The few he had received before were vile, slobbery things which served no purpose but to ease the digestion of a mighty slab of food. If the single way to ever experience an unexceptional show of affection was with a demon to whom he bore a twisted longing, then so be it.

“I beg your pardon?”

“You must have heard.”

Another strange expression rose to Sebastian’s face - fascination? Ciel could not place it, once again.

“I will not deny you, my Lord, but I am concerned that you have just forbade me physical contact, and now-”

“Hush. I know.”

“And would you not think it improper? For a man such as I, with a boy of your status…” he trailed off, that same expression still dancing in his eyes. Ciel scoffed.

“Do spare me the pretenses. You are a demon. There could be nothing more improper than that. A kiss is nothing, is it not?” he retorted, a niggling irritation letting him know that he was being too obvious in that a kiss meant much more to him than surface-level consolation.

“That is true. Well then, if you’re quite certain…”

“You have my permission.”

Ciel sat stationary where he was, bottom perched on the edge of his bed. Sebastian came down to his level without request, kneeling in-between Ciel’s legs until their faces were at the same height. Even that was enthralling; before, Ciel had stopped looking at the faces of those who used his body, and the nervousness and excitement of the butterflies struggling in his stomach was a completely unfamiliar sensation. Furthermore, this was the first time he had seen Sebastian’s face so closely. He knew that, being the monster he was, he could assume any kind of physical form, yet still, Ciel could not deny that he found the soft shine of his black hair calming, and the slant of his severe eyes handsome. He may have been a demon, but for once, Ciel was completely willing to be taken by the monster, and felt genuine attraction for the first time. He pondered upon whether the dynamic of having made a life-bound contract made Sebastian a safe target for his affections. After all, it was probably the only thing even reminiscent of a relationship that he would ever have.

“Here,” Sebastian warned with a subdued tone before removing the glove that covered his hand that bore their seal, and put his palm to Ciel’s cheek. It was cold, but not unbearably so. Then, came the warmth of lips softly locking into his own. Having never kissed somebody like so before, Ciel was not quite sure how his lips should move, so he kept them rather still as he let Sebastian do what he might with them.

He drew Ciel’s lips deeper into the kiss, however his tongue did not once touch the skin there. A lingering shard of panic lightly pierced into the inner walls of Ciel’s lungs, however he found it to be quickly soothed by, strangely enough, the sensation of a fang scraping ever so slightly at his bottom lip.

It was a clear reminder that the one he was kissing was not human in the slightest. And that soothed his scarred heart quite palpably. Suddenly, a powerful sensation of desire overcame him in the realisation that there was nothing for him to fear anymore. He would not let a human touch him like this, no, never - but was it not true that in a demon, any idea of carnal human desire was completely absent? 

In his change of heart, Ciel bit on Sebastian’s bottom lip in return before suckling on the soft flesh there. To his amusement, a barely audible gasp of surprise came from the demon’s throat - it seemed that for once, he had surprised Sebastian just a little.

“You are certainly more eager than expected,” Sebastian commented, a teasing lilt to his voice.

Sexual desire was not something Ciel had ever allowed himself ever since he had been taken to that place. But he was older, now, and something so constant in the general human nature could not be denied, even by him. 

_ Devour. Own. Dominate. _

He hated how his own thoughts sounded like _ them _. But he took a little solace in the fact that still, he would not ever defile Sebastian like that, despite his contract allowing him to, even with their discrepancy in power.

Would he?

Would he?

No. Probably. Most likely. 

He could not fall in love with a demon. Would not. But at least for now, he took pleasure in owning the comfort of a demon’s lips, far removed from any thoughts of stabbing that immortal body with the same bejewelled knife, the very thought of which reduced him to being an ill-attached child, shrieking as his own memories convulsed in his warped mind.

**Author's Note:**

> [twitter](http://www.twitter.com/atsukunai)
> 
> this is not my main ao3 account btw. please dm me if you'd like it.


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